I have been with my partner for nearly three years. We are both 35, intelligent, and well educated. A couple of months ago, he changed jobs, and as a result, he has been meeting new people and his attitude towards me has changed. He is increasingly dissatisfied with our life and our relationship, which, until recently, had been going well: we made love regularly and were close. He has now become obsessed with women from his workplace. It often feels as if he is bragging to me about how well he is getting along with them: he regularly mentions their attractiveness and achievements. He has made it clear that, by comparison, I'm not impressive enough for him.
I am not sure what to make of his behaviour, as it seems childish and petty; it's as if he's had a change of personality. When he was describing one colleague to me, he asked me why I couldn't be like her, and there have been more jibes since then. He more or less ignores me when we are together. I asked him if he was having an affair, but he denied it. I am torn between passing this off as an early mid-life crisis and leaving him. Until recently, we were equals, but my self-belief is being eaten away. My physical and mental health are being adversely affected.
Should I attempt to save the relationship, or has he changed too much for that?
Given time, he will realise his error
I went through something similar with my (now ex) partner while changing career. I was trying to move towards something I valued and away from aspects of my former life. As part of this, I idealised some of the new people
I met, and developed crushes on a couple of the men. Although I knew my fantasies were not realistic and did not tell my partner, I think he sensed he was being unfavourably compared to the new people in my life.
It's easy to romanticise things when they are new, but it often results in something else being denigrated. It seems you are the recipient of such treatment, however unfairly. I suspect that unconsciously your partner is projecting on to you his anxieties about not being good enough and the parts of himself he hopes to get rid of in his quest to become a "new person". In time, he will come to a more balanced view, but the question is if you will still be together.
Your partner's immature way of communicating his dissatisfaction is hurtful, but only you can decide whether this relationship is worth fighting for. Focus on what is happening between the two of you, rather than what he says about other women, but make it clear that you are not prepared to stay indefinitely with someone who treats you as second best.
RE, London
Stop competing with each other
Before your partner started his new job, you were "equals" - you say how well you measured up in terms of education and intelligence. Though it may be hard to admit, you may be perceiving his recent success as your failure. Do you feel unable to show him approval? He wants it, and when you don't give it, he "brags" about how well he is doing. He wants respect, but when you don't show it, he compares you to female colleagues who seem to be doing so.
To have any chance of saving the relationship, you need to stop competing with one another. Try to see the positive side in his change of circ*mstances. People become complacent a few years into a relationship; this is your chance to put back the excitement back into yours.
Stop being the victim in this situation. Take up a new interest to show him that you are not dependent on him and allow yourself to regain your self-respect.
CG, via email
Is your relationship worth the pain?
Write down some examples of things he has said which have made you feel inadequate and then talk to him about how you have been feeling. Ask him how he sees your future together and why he compares you unfavourably, and listen carefully to what he says.
Spend as much time as possible with people who make you feel good about yourself. You need to rediscover the person you are and to rebuild your self-esteem. Think about what you want. How much happiness does this relationship bring you? And how much pain? Is it worth it? You have the right to be loved and valued for who you are. If your partner will not do this, maybe someone else will.
E, via email
What the expert thinks
If your description of what's happening is accurate, then it would be understandable if you decided to leave your partner. However, the fact that you're asking whether you should do so suggests that you're still hoping to find a way to sort things out.
Let's start by considering why he appears to have changed so much. You suspect it's because of his new job and the new people he has met. Although this may seem obvious, it can't be the whole story; different circ*mstances alone wouldn't cause him to behave cruelly. This would only happen if, at the same time, he undervalues you and your relationship. In fact, it may be that he's been dissatisfied for a while, but he'd decided his old job was the cause. Now that he's made a change in that respect but is still unhappy, it seems he's attributed the problem to his relationship with you, rather than taking responsibility for it himself.
Of course, the new job may be contributing to his disquiet. He may imagine, for example, that everyone around him is totally fulfilled - unlike the two of you - and he's envious. It could be that he's constantly undermined in his new role and believes he made a mistake in accepting it. However, instead of taking some positive action to resolve the situation, he appears to be simply venting his anger and frustration on you. Whatever the explanation, it's important to realise that his job and his new colleagues are only acting as catalysts for his underlying disquiet - and it's this underlying disquiet that needs to be addressed.
However, you can only sort things out together if you're still committed to sustaining a relationship. If he's willing to work with you rather than to continue to take his hurt out on you, you will almost certainly find ways to improve life for both of you.
If you're feeling as demoralised as you suggest, then to confront your partner in a way that could end your relationship must seem like a daunting task. Therefore, you will need to summon up some strength and restore your sense of self-worth first. It's also important to put some distance between yourself and your problems for a bit, so you can regain some perspective.
Book a few days away, or, even better, a week, for a restorative break in whatever way you would enjoy - a long weekend at a spa, a visit with relatives you love, or a holiday with a friend. Don't dwell on your problems during that time - take long walks, talk about happier times, and engage in activities you enjoy.
When you return, it will be time to talk to your partner. Tell him, calmly but clearly, that you will no longer tolerate insults and unfavourable comparisons. Add that you accept partial responsibility, because you have allowed him to behave in this manner. Now, however, you wish to work with him to return to the loving and equal partnership you once shared. Ask him if he's willing to work with you. If he isn't, you will have to accept that the relationship is over. If he is willing to try to sort things out with you, then you can start rebuilding your life together.
Linda Blair
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