Should I Have Spoken Up? (Published 2021) (2024)

While waiting in a long line to get my Covid-19 vaccination, I noticed two boisterous white men ahead of me. At first I chalked up their noise to excitement. But as I waited, I realized they were harassing an older Black woman who was in line in front of them. They were crowding her and telling her to move up, even though she was keeping an appropriate social distance, and calling out to her nastily to “pick up her feet” and “stop shuffling.” The older woman ignored them. And I was afraid to intervene for fear the men would turn their anger on me. What should I have done?

JOAN

How heartbreaking that an otherwise joyful experience — getting vaccinated after more than a year of Covid-related fear, suffering and death — was marred for this woman by harassment. I wish someone had protected her. But I respect your fear for your safety, too. Bullying can be terrifying not only for its victims but also for bystanders wary of escalation.

Still, there are tactics for intervening and defusing situations like these: You might have left the line briefly to enlist the help of someone who worked at the site or who looked physically imposing. Distraction can also be effective. Asking the men if they were in line for their first or second shots, for instance, may have interrupted their abuse and set them on a different path.

Naturally, our first impulse in such cases is often to stop the abuse (and often to punish the abusers). But it’s just as important to tend to the victims. I may have joined the woman in line, for instance, to support her. (That may have felt risky to you.) And I would have made sure to find her in the recovery area to ask if she wanted help or someone to walk out with her.

Gender Is a Construct, but He’s a Boy

My son is 9. He was born a boy and identifies as one. He participates in football and Boy Scouts, and he prefers clothes from the boys’ side of the store. He also likes his long wavy hair that falls beneath his shoulders. This is not a battle we feel like picking with him. Other boys at school have similar hairstyles. The issue: It’s pretty common for strangers to refer to my son as “your daughter.” What’s the best way to handle this? The last time I corrected someone gently, she looked at me like I was crazy. How can we support our son’s choice while not allowing others to misgender him?